7.24.2019


BACKSTORY

Behold, my final school project! 
(the first 22 seconds are a tribute/joke to my University of Santa Monica Spiritual Psychology program founders, Ron and Mary Hulnick, who I love so much)

Up until this year, any time I created things - from my jewelry line to any films to comedy - I have always thought that someone *else* was the creative expert - someone *else* knew the right answer.

Once I learned that outside forces do not know more than I do about my own creative process and also learned that outside forces do not determine the worthiness of my ideas, it freed me of feeling like I had to control "success" and could just instead listen to what my heart/brain wants to make/what the Universe wants to make through me.

After all, what is "success"? Is success being liked or given a lot of money? Sure these things are wonderful and can feel good *but* it is actually up to you whether you use these things to give yourself the permission to feel good/like a success. You can feel a success/good/worthy/loveable regardless of having these things or not. I encourage this as it will make everything else more the enjoyable!

If you want, you can think of success as the fact that you woke up today! I am sure there are many dead famous millionaires who would trade lives with you just for a chance to feel the wind on their face or hear their favorite song one more time.

PS I just had the terrible thought of Britney Spear's " Hit Me Baby One More Time " being used in a domestic abuse campaign ... PPS research MK Ultra / Britney Spears

My school project (above) is the first thing I have ever made where I have relied solely on my mind/intuition from start to finish (from writing/cinematography/music) - this sole reliance on my own brain might not seem like a big deal to some - but to me, it is honestly my greatest accomplishment, even more than this video itself!

Even though I wrote all my own character's dialogue in The Color Wheel, I did not feel like this film represented my sensibility at all (except my dialogue/wardrobe/styling choices) Even when I set out to make Loners Together (my directorial/screenwriting debut a year after The Color Wheel), I was still obsessed with trying to make a "COOL MOVIE" to continue the external success of The Color Wheel- but since I deep down didn't think I was actually COOL (partially due to condescending people around me at the time/a childhood of constant bullying for wanting to be alone and speak to trees and insects (LOL)/acne/being told by my dad that the only way to succeed in any pursuit was to get everyone to like me and put aside my true feelings), I was looking to everyone else to try to give me the answer to make this film (and anything else I shared) cool/acceptable (so I could give myself the permission to feel cool/acceptable).

This reliance on others during that period of my life was very unhealthy in hindsight, and I am so grateful that film did not "get off the ground" in it's current form (I stopped making it only after one scene which you can see here and which I am still so grateful to everyone involved and I do hope to have this film see the light of day once I remove anything from the script/vision that I feel is representative of someone else's opinion).

I now believe that had it "succeeded" (gone to film festivals/gotten me a TV deal/I went on to direct other COOL FILMS/horrible commercials for toxic products looking to be perceived as COOL), it would have cemented the misbelief that I could not make things unless I was reliant on others to make the "right"/"cool" choice and clearly, the Universe had a different plan for me!

My therapist who I trust wholeheartedly says that people-pleasing can lead to physical manifestations like Endometriosis and I am sure had I become "succesful" for making art with the goal of pleasing others/hiding my truth, I would likely experience the same fate as many celebrities who are dealing with "mysterious" chronic health conditions (without being encouraged to take time off to pursue the truly healing holistic solutions out there that are NOT seen as COOL by the mostly pharmaceutical-funded media/entertainment industry, which I send love to as I know that the pharmaceutical executives being driven to put profits over people are likely suffering from the constant misbelief I was, that money/"external success" is the only way to give themselves permission to be loved/feel worthy/successful - at the expense of what they deep down know is wrong, like price gauging/suppressing natural medicine options for people.)

This planet has a lot of trauma and I truly believe that there are no "evil" people - there are just sick people and our planet's pollution is a manifestation of the internal pollution many people are experiencing.

I am so thankful for everything that has helped me listen to my authentic voice - specifically my enrollment in University of Santa Monica, my therapist, the doctor I go to who has led my detoxification process to weed out toxins that were clouding my brain/intuition (research heavy metals and fluoride, as a start!), along with the subconscious reprogramming series To Be Magnetic (which I recommend deeply to anyone!)

My intention with this video and with everything I make going forward is to share what I have learned/continue learning about healing ourselves and our planet with the hopes it will help other people listen to their own voice/heal our planet as well. I plan on making a few different forms of expression (book/video/products) using the name EARTH TO CARLEN, as I literally feel like the Earth has sent me to be a messenger on it's behalf, and I now know I am not crazy but that many people around the world are experiencing this, and call themselves Starseeds, Lightworkers and Indigo Children. Lots of love to whoever is reading this. YOU!