Carlen Altman

A Peak Into My FuNkY Home

2012-02-02T14:10:00.000-05:00

That's my new kilim rug! so FuNkY

Can you spot the PURE EVIL???

haha this is my pathetic attempt at these photos ...

Getting Messy

2012-01-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

Ironically, for someone who is a slob, I hate getting messy in most areas of my life. I think of messiness as going into something with uncertainty and unraveling things and disorganizing things. The scary thing is, right now, all facets of my life are messy and uncertain.

But I have come to the conclusion that I need to get messy in order to accomplish great things. I think I need to learn as I go along, instead of trying to map out all possible setbacks before starting something. JUST START IT. For example, I have been fixing my apartment and moving furniture and knocking holes into things and there have been mistakes and hours spent moving stuff, BUT this is all for the greater good as I am figuring out the ideal way for my apartment to look rather than daydreaming about a perfect apartment. I am hoping it will all be worth it. I also hired a handyman to help me remove my stove because it was taking up too much space. This is a big deal for me because I hate asking for help, but I am trying to be better about this.

In terms of exercise, I am also getting messy. I go to the gym in a messy disheveled outfit and I get sweaty and gross, but it is all in the greater good because I can come home and wash away the sweat and get dressed and hopefully look better than before.

In terms of writing, I am writing a new screenplay and I don't know what will come of it but I am doing it anyway and there is messiness and uncertainty but it is ok.

I am also writing new standup and I am going to go to gross open-mics with ugly people in midtown. But that's what I have to do to hone my material and make it better!

In terms of jewelry, I am asking other people for help and trying things out, some of which stuff is failing, because some of the things I want to make are not produce-able on a big scale. BUT I am doing it anyway rather than daydreaming about things until they become perfect. Sorry if this post is rambly but I really think that if you want to accomplish something, you have to GET MESSY and make scary phonecalls and ask people for help and get sweaty and scared, even if your cell phone service or location isn't ideal.

Conflict

2012-01-27T16:17:00.002-05:00

versus

Life Update: Ugh, I don't want to be vegan but I have spent the last few weeks reading everything I can on how AWFUL the United State's factory farming system is (how violent ALL the innocent animals are killed, and how miserable it is for the people working in these slaughterhouses, and how fat and sick people get from eating meat, and how bad it is for the Earth to handle the pollution caused by meat consumption) and I don't think I can bring myself to eat my monthly hamburger anymore, even if it is "free range beef". It's just not worth it and I have decided to just take lots of B vitamin supplements instead of the burger. And honestly, I feel great! Pretty much all I have done today is looked at bohemian-esque interior decorating blogs and emailed the USDA to overturn factory farming and end animal cruelty. I sound like a liberal airhead but I don't care!
If you think veganism sounds unrealistic, check out this fun article for "trolls"

and
If you're on Facebook, please check out C-A-L-F

EVIL COMES IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES!

2012-01-25T04:00:00.000-05:00

GIFTED AND TALENTED

2012-01-24T22:44:00.004-05:00

Dear Urban Outfitters,
Thank you for putting a video of me and my many horrible pursuits on your blog and referring to me as "Gifted and Talented"
even though I have totally referred to you as Turban Outfitters multiple times and made fun of your clip on bangs! SECRETLY AND NOT SO SECRETLY I WUV U. ESPECIALLY UR APARTMENT SECTION!!! Thanks again!

Have a Nice Day

2012-01-23T20:05:00.000-05:00

OMAZING GRACE

2012-01-11T00:04:00.001-05:00

ME AND GOBLIN ARE WHOLESOME IN 2012

wholesome or dead ? dot gov

photo by OMAZING DA COSTA

Greetings from Amsterdam

2011-12-29T20:01:00.000-05:00

It is so nice here. It is the nicest place i have ever been, in terms of imagining myself living anywhere other than New York...

Greetings from Brussels

2011-12-25T17:44:00.002-05:00

Downistie

2011-12-22T14:25:00.000-05:00

(or watch here)
Thanks Esty da Costa <3

Vitamins You Should Be Taking Everyday

2011-12-12T19:11:00.000-05:00

• Multivitamin with minerals
• Calcium
• Magnesium
• Vitamin D
• Probiotics
• Omega-3 fats
• Vitamin B12 complex

If you are reading this blog, I am talking to you!

Special Links Update

2011-12-12T18:45:00.001-05:00

Creepy man goes Postal in post office (thanks Josh d C)
Best talk show ever (thanks Andrew VW)
How can she slap (thanks Josh d C)
This bunny
This horrifying work party photo
Kim Kardashian Awkward Body Language with her "husband"
WET Baggystyle (thanks Andrew VW)
The Ultimate Magic Trick FAIL (thanks Tom P)
Something of You
My favorite song right now (thanks Josh d C)

Special Health Tip
If you feel tired or mentally foggy a lot, follow the GFCF diet and go to the gym every other day for an hour. (is this tip for you or me?)

:/ :)

2011-11-22T17:13:00.000-05:00

I'll Be Here If You Need Me...

2011-11-21T15:31:00.000-05:00

?

2011-11-18T16:27:00.001-05:00

If You're in NY... Regal Degal at Tribeca Grand

2011-11-17T01:30:00.000-05:00

Come to this so you can see such acts as hit band Rugal Dugal live

and DJs Soul Asylum and Typing Girls...

i will be there!

If You're in Hollywood/Los Angeles...

2011-11-04T01:03:00.003-05:00

I'LL BE THERE SOON!

HELLO, ARE YOU IN CALIFORNIA? DO YOU WANT TO COME SEE "THE COLOR WHEEL" WITH ME for FREE?

If so, it is playing on Saturday the 5th and Monday the 7th at the Chinese Theater

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO COME!
Tickets are available for free here!!!!!
SEE U SOON? I AM VERY EXCITED

This Really Happened!

2011-10-26T15:02:00.001-05:00

thanks will berman

Breaking News: DRAGONSLAYER IN NYC NOV 1ST

2011-10-24T21:59:00.001-05:00

Even though I have only ridden a skateboard once (and fallen off), I am still so very excited to see the new skateboard documentary Dragonslayer, which has been described as "amazing" and "beautifully shot" by people who don't even like skateboarding.

IF YOU ARE IN NYC, COME SEE IT WITH ME!

PS Don't people who skateboard automatically look so cool? Do you wonder if anyone just carries a skateboard around just to impress people but doesn't actually know how to use it? #GUILTY

See you November 1st at Public Assembly. I'll be the one in the corner drinking free PBR while listening to the tunes of a Jewish sounding DJ! I am so very excited.

PS today I saw a Northface yamacha!!

l8r sk8r

Tonight

2011-10-17T18:17:00.002-05:00

Bombay Beach is a Magical Documentary

2011-10-15T22:27:00.004-05:00

I have never seen most movies that most people love.
Star Wars. Chinatown. Scarface. You name it. I probably have not seen it! I am not necessarily proud of this! On a side note, I just saw Being John Malkovich for the first time a few months ago and loved it! :/
#NOBODY CARES, CARMEN! #whyismynegativeselftalk/innerdialoguespellingmynamewrong?howinsulting

I get bored easily in everything and especially while watching movies. Almost every movie I see I begin looking at my watch or fidgeting and then I start feeling like I am wasting my life and feeling claustrophobic in the theater and wondering if people around me are farting. WANT 2 GO ON A DATE? jk This happens at basically every movie I see. It is 20% of the time not a testament to the quality of the film but more to my horrible case of self-diagnosed ADD/tiny bladder. (oohlala)

The point of this blogpost is that at no time seeing the new documentary, "Bombay Beach" by Alma Har'el, did I feel like my time or bladder discomfort were wasted!

From beginning to end, it is so amazing and magical and touching. You seriously should go see it if you love weird people, beautiful imagery, elders, or all of the above.
Here is the trailer.

Go see it wherever you can, and as soon as possible! It is one of the best things I have ever seen, ever. I mean it!

Breaking News: Rebecca Turbow 2012

2011-10-12T16:55:00.000-05:00

Rebecca Turbow is a really funny witty fashion designer who just launched her Fall 2012 Collection TODAY. Her entire collection (and wardrobe) are black and grey, which perfectly match with my rabbit (always a plus) :/ Below are 2 of my favorite pieces from the collection.

You can order these dreamy outfits here at the new Rebecca Turbow online shop! WOO!

Jewish Rosaries™ 2012 Sneak Peak...

2011-10-09T22:40:00.004-05:00

Here is a sneak peak...

Almost done with everything from my accessories child, Jewish Rosaries™ (which is my only creative pursuit to be commodified) and it will all be up soon! FINALLY! JE-ZUS! Te Gusta, Mami?
Property Of

(BY CA instead of the old 'by carlen altman' because I would rather keep it a vague mystery! Only you shall know the truth!)

© 2007-2011 Carlen Altman lolz

Upd8

2011-10-03T01:42:00.005-05:00

I LOVE LOOKING AT FUNKY HOMES/INTERIOR DESIGNS ONLINE.

I AM PROBABLY DOING THIS AS YOU READ THIS! AHHH!

My new favorite home decorating blogs are

InsideInside.tumblr.com

BohemianHomes.tumblr.com (haha :/)

In other news, I am 99% planning on moving to California for January 2012 (!) and maybe beyond. Is that weird? I know that seems very far from now (sort of?) but I have lived in New York my whole entire life and it has changed for the worse (!). Even my mom agrees! I don't think California will be Utopia by any means and I will probably hate it and come back with my tail* between my legs

*THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR, I ACTUALLY HAVE A TAIL :( age/sex/loc?

but I think that I need some sort of change.!

I think of going to California as a win-win as either it will be dreamy, or horrible and then I can come back to NY with a new attitude!

some friends i made this year :(

2011-09-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

I Love the Subway

2011-09-20T21:58:00.001-05:00

Photo of a very special Free Bouncey Ride by Cesar Perez

me and mommy harassing cute animals and being generally gross

2011-09-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

Attention People of Ohio: Akron Film + Pixel Festival

2011-09-16T02:33:00.000-05:00

If you are in Ohio this October (or want to drive there... I hear it is lovely this time of year!) come to scenic Akron, Ohio for the Akron Film + Pixel Festival where I will be IN PERSON (hologram) answering questions on behalf of our movie, The Color Wheel with Alex Perry, along with fellow native NY-er John Baker, who will be showing the wonderful skateboard documentary he produced, Dragonslayer, which I am so very excited to see!

SEE U THERE?

Very Spooky!

2011-09-15T01:37:00.000-05:00

I have so many Spanish Catholic Botanica candles and they are fantastic and it made me want (to create) Judaica themed Botanica candles so that is what I am doing this week!

I love Catholic imagery. It is so fantastic and vivid.

I am also finishing my next chapter of my line (Jewish Rosaries), called Jew La Ree (HOW CREATIVE, CARLEN!) which shall be ready in a matter of weeks!

I have been a super hermit recently and not eaten any processed foods for over 2 weeks and I feel alive! It is so weird! Many more blogposts coming soon! I hope you are having a nice day, my one blog reader :/ P.S. Isn't it weird that your soulmate is alive somewhere and also that Elvis sometimes had diarrhea (probably)? I heard he died on a toilet of constipation so maybe not :( ?

What a directionless blogpost!

I am a Das Racist Video Vix-En(ema)

2011-09-12T14:44:00.003-05:00

I have a tiny cameo in this new Das Racist video for their new catchy ditty "Michael Jackson" which plopped on MTV this week. I am told I am morphing into a face of someone in Vampire Weekend! Check out other music videos and projects by my friends over at Weird Days here. THEY R GR8!

BUT WHO'S GOING TO WATER MY FARMVILLE CROPS? - A Blogpost Ode to Me Deactivating Facebook

2011-09-10T02:24:00.000-05:00

IT'S TRUE!

~A Poem~ (sort of)
Who's going to water my Farmville crops,

When I deactivate my account?

Who's going to poke the cutest boy in junior highschool

who is now married with 2 kids, working at a sewage treatment plant?

Who's going to RSVP for an Event in an unventilated basement and

not go because he knows there will be pixelated/dismal photos up of it on Facebook tomorrow

which suffice for (and maybe even trump) the real experience?

Who's going to look at the summer vacations of private school kids with trustfunds and long shiny hair,

and feel jealous but think if I had that money, I'd. do. things. better.

and in one moment, click over to a life you'll never get to know,

more than a shared Elementary School hallway,

and the fact that she recently "liked" Hamburger Helper on Facebook unironically

and posted at 3am

that she couldn't get her newborn to stop crying?

I hand you the torch...

(for now?)

I have been on Friendster --> Myspace --> Facebook --> Twitter and it has really gotten me nowhere except wasted hours fantasizing and criticizing. I am going to experiment with removing myself from Social Media. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

PS tomorrow is my dad's 80th birthday <3

I am Excited for the impending Missoni x Target Collection :/

2011-09-06T01:03:00.000-05:00

I think in general, when a fancy fashion brand partners up with a major retailer like H+M or Target, it ends up being super anticlimactic. Usually, the stuff looks really crappy or more often than not, the entire collection ends up selling out online to crazed Japanese people in seconds before you even have a chance to see it in person ... ahem Liberty of London for Target floral lampshade, you were almost mine :( . However, in the case of the upcoming Missoni x Target collection, I don't even care what it takes or what the quality feels like! It is just so cool! I shall make a big effort to make sure I get one or all of these dreamy items below!

I would be happy with just the bedding and the umbrella!

(Entire Missoni x Target 2011 collection can be seen here)

Imagine a malnourished Somalian child reading this blogpost and trying to relate? :/

#firstworldproblems x target

Collared Ankles

2011-09-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

THESE LOOK LIKE AVERAGE JEANS (BUT...)

...WHEN YOU LOOK UP CLOSE, THE ANKLES HAVE COLLARS! WHY?!

They are by a brand called Boom Boom and they are from the 1980s and there is one pair currently available at

AssemblyNewYork

I decided not to buy them because wearing tight jeans makes me cranky

(except Court jeans that is...) - Check out their new jeans now! Very special.

PS DO U NOTICE THE ANKLE TATTOO I HAVE SNEAKING OUT OF THE ANKLE COLLAR?

I GOT IT IN ST MARKS PLACE IN 10TH GRADE :(

Degrading and Special

2011-09-05T21:43:00.002-05:00

Thank you Brendan Donnelly

كهف حالة

2011-09-05T15:06:00.003-05:00

Dear Token Blog Reader,
Gosh, I have so many updates that I feel mentally constipated. All I can do is tell you that I am continuing to work towards my goals of being healthy, making my creative dreams come true and helping animals (and spending the majority of time daydreaming and getting distracted by my emotions, insecurities ... and the internet!)

Where does the time go? It's so weird how life just moves on and on... I wonder if people on their deathbeds regret spending time daydreaming...
I wonder when we will reach the age when people on Facebook start sending Facebook Event Invitations for funerals...

Time waits for no man!

I really want to go to the Island of Socotra off the coast of Yemen. Look at the trees!

My Friday Night

2011-08-27T01:09:00.000-05:00

is spent looking at

Reasons to Smile :/

2011-08-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

This gentle giant is called an Oarfish and it is real! I wonder if it is still alive in this photo. I hope so. Look at that special smile! Do you think it's still alive? I hope so :/
Or is this a still from Weekend at Captain Bernies III? (crickets)

Tomorrow I am going to beautiful Tacoma, Washington for the "Grand Cinema Presents: Filmmaker Magazine's 25 Faces of Film" extravaganza. I am very excited about this! I will take photos!

Advanced Style x Tavi x NYFW Spring 2011 x a 91 year old singing = Special

2011-08-17T11:21:00.001-05:00

I am so very excited!

As you (my one blog reader) might know, I am a very big fan of elders!!! ALL OF THEM

Ari Seth Cohen, creator of elder-fashion-dedication blog Advanced Style is hosting this event and it is going to be so vunderful. Special Guest 91 year old Ilona Royce Smithkin, will be performing her famous, "Eyelash Cabaret" during a night filled with conversation and incredible style.

Hope there is a Depends dispenser in the ACE hotel bathroom. jk sorry :/

I LOVE MY MOMMY

2011-08-13T21:29:00.002-05:00

This is a photo of my mommy taken last week in Greenpoint.

Shouldn't she be on Myspace with this sort of aRtSy photo?

She is a theatrical agent and artist and knows every Grateful Dead song.

She once had a tarantula named Donna and she painted it's sheddings/molted exoskeleton the color gold and it is beautiful.

She used to work for Penthouse and was once an assistant to Al Goldstein of Screw Magazine.

She moved to NYC when she was in her 20's and has lived here since.

Now that she lives in Brighton Beach, she walks on the beach every morning and rescues stranded stingrays and jellyfish by rolling them back into the ocean like they are burritos.

She makes gluten free deserts and is going to start selling them very soon.

She is the funniest woman I have ever met in my entire life.

She is writing 3 wonderful children's books.

This is her technologically troubled blog which should be updated more frequently.

I love my mommy.

Watch Talk Show with Sammy Lisenco

2011-08-13T12:29:00.000-05:00

Click above to watch!

Shot many moons ago...

featuring special guests Carlen Altman (gross), Casy Neistat (cool), and musical act Airwaves (yay)

produced by creative juggernauts Sara Rossein, Lena Dunham and Red Bucket Films

(who have a very cool designed website, I might add! Am I right?)

PARTY PARTY PARTY!

2011-08-10T22:57:00.001-05:00

thanks Geoffrey Stevenson aka Geoffrey Stevens

An Autumnal Dreamboat

2011-08-08T12:38:00.001-05:00

Not All Owls and Trees Are Wise Sages

2011-08-08T12:21:00.002-05:00

I am One of the Top 25 New Faces of Independent Film (?!)

2011-07-26T21:09:00.000-05:00

...according to FILMMAKER MAGAZINE!

How exciting and nice! I feel like this article is very special and I am grateful to be included in this list along with other special people like Mark Jackson, Kitao Sakurai (guess his ethnicity!), and Sophia Takal. All of which are people that I consider to be real filmmakers!

SO GLAD I HAVE THIS PHOTO. NOW I CAN SIGN UP FOR E(THNIC)HARMONY :/

Click on the article to read it in it's entirety! IT'S A DOOZY!

I wrote sum creepy posts on Buzzfeed.com!

2011-07-25T01:05:00.004-05:00

Read the posts I put up on Buzzfeed.com!
Here! http://www.buzzfeed.com/carlenaltman
I love Buzzfeed and SO CAN YOU!
xo
carlen : /

DON'T BE BITTER, BE BETTER

2011-07-25T00:34:00.001-05:00

Artwork by Katherine Beefheart

Original phrase invented by Aron Bondaroff
I also love this one too!

The Best Book in the World = WORK

2011-07-22T14:08:00.001-05:00

"After so much technological progress, why do we have to work more than ever before? How is it that the harder we work, the poorer we end up compared to our bosses? When the economy crashes, why do people focus on protecting their jobs when no one likes working in the first place? Can capitalism survive another century of crises?"

These are the questions addressed in this WONDERFUL BOOK, titled WORK.

WORK is a book I found at a funky anarch1stt bookstore in Maryland. It is seriously the best book I have ever read. It addresses everything we deal with as human beings living in a capitalistic society and is a fun intense read. For Anyone ! (even if you don't like politics or reading!) IT ALSO HAS A COOL COVER AND IS POCKET-SIZED SO YOU CAN FEEL LIKE A COOL PUNKY KID WHILE CARRYING IT AROUND! Order it HERE

Staying Awake

2011-07-21T16:50:00.001-05:00

or AZN N-V ?

Special Places

2011-07-21T16:34:00.003-05:00

Me and My Wild Bird Who I Have Since Released Out My Window :/

2011-07-06T07:07:00.006-05:00

SORRY I LOOK LIKE A ROMANIAN MIGRANT WORKER PRETENDING TO BE A PROUD AMERICAN, WHO MAY OR MAY NOT SECRETLY EAT BIRDS.

This Starling was the cutest, funniest and smartest bird I have ever met. I found him waddling around in a funky boutique in the Lower East Side called Pixie Market and the owner had no idea he was even in the store, or how he got there. I knew he def did NOT fit into anything. Anyway, I took him home and he bonded to me to the point where if I called him, he would fly over to me and land on my shoulder.

But after a few weeks, he began talking to the other Starlings outside the window and seemed to be longing to get out. I opened the window just a slight bit and he immediately flew out and sat with the other Starlings perched on the tree near my window. He visits me sometimes and says hello and I feed him wet bread. Wet bread sounds gross.

Dear Blog Reader(s?)

2011-06-17T16:18:00.000-05:00

An Interview I Did for L Magazine where I insult Francophiles... :/

2011-06-16T23:20:00.001-05:00

Click here to read the article in it's entirety

click here to read the rest!

listen to east village radio at 5:30 as i will be on pizza party with max + kev

2011-06-16T16:14:00.002-05:00

you can listen here http://www.eastvillageradio.com/

2 Books that will make your life better!

2011-06-15T16:18:00.000-05:00

I am not much of a reader but I recommend these books and promise you that your life will be better in every way if you read both these books and listen to them wholeheartedly.

Firstly, read The Self Health Revolution by J. Michael Zenn (who is a really nice person!).

You can buy it at any WholeFoods or online here

Secondly, I strongly encourage you to read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.

THESE ARE THE 2 BEST BOOKS I HAVE READ THIS YEAR. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THEM! I KNOW YOU WILL LOVE THEM BOTH AS MUCH AS I HAVE! YES, YOU! PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THEM BOTH!

Carlen

InDieWire let me know that we won Chicago Underground Film Festival Best Narrative Award!

2011-06-08T10:30:00.002-05:00

http://www.indiewire.com/article/chicago_underground_ff_announces_2011_awards/

The Color Wheel is in this week's The New Yorker!

2011-06-06T09:38:00.000-05:00

I am so happy about this because I always think of myself as too trashy / uncultured to read this magazine! But even with these low brows of mine, I am honored to have my film be featured in such a FanCy publication!

(click to see more!) or buy this week's New Yorker! #nopresh

Maryland Film Festival, Here I Come

2011-05-05T23:34:00.002-05:00

I am leaving for scenic Baltimore, Maryland tomorrow morning to the Maryland Film Festival on behalf of The Color Wheel. Here is a special article from the Baltimore Jewish Times (click to see) that I feel paints a good picture of everything I have been doing recently (popping a frog!)

Here is another article below, from the Film Frenzy section of the BALTIMORE CITY PAPER .

BALTIMORE, YOUR HIPSTER GODDESS IS ON HER WAY

(wearing a pair of non-prescription black-rim glasses :(

Forks Over Knives

2011-05-04T00:47:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a RoaDtriP to a lionhead rabbit convention this past weekend in Columbus Ohio where I ate 15 layer lasagna at a lionhead rabbit awards ceremony banquet (#humblebrag) where a 15 layer of fat woman made fun of me for eating salad with my lasagna, calling lettuce "rabbit food". Anyway, I am very excited to see this documentary, Forks Over Knives.

Happy Belated Easter starring Young One and Martina Van Buren

2011-04-28T00:45:00.000-05:00

all photos by Hortex Barry

Sunny Days Are Just Around the Corner

2011-04-25T00:35:00.003-05:00

The Color Wheel PREMIERES TOMORROW at the Sarasota Film Festival!

2011-04-14T23:59:00.002-05:00

HELLO! I am going to the Sarasota Florida Film Festival tomorrow (!) for the premiere of the moooovie I co-wrote/co-starred in this past summer with Alex Perry!

Here is our trailer for the movie!

HERE

THE COLOR WHEEL - Preview from Alex Ross Perry on Vimeo.
Preview for the film THE COLOR WHEEL.

A comedic symphony of disappointment and forgiveness.
Produced and directed by Alex Ross Perry, written by Carlen Altman and Alex Ross Perry, camera by Sean Price Williams

THIS MOVIE HAS A SURPRISE ENDING!!!! :/

HERE LOOK AT THESE SEXIE DRAWINGS OF ME :(
click here to see more illustrations for The Color Wheel.

AWKWARD

IF U LIVE IN NY, IT WILL BE PLAYING AT BAM IN JUNE!

COME IF U WANT TO SEE ME UP CLOSE WITH GRAY SPOTTED SKIN

AND BECOME A 'FAN' ON FACEBOOK here?

OR TWITTER here?

OR IRL :/

Things That Make Ya Go LOL :/

2011-04-11T00:08:00.001-05:00

Even though I find a lot of things 'funny', it is very rare that a video causes me to actually laugh out loud. Is that sad?

The good part of this rarity of laughter is that when I do meet someone or see something that causes me to uncontrollably laugh out loud, I really take note of what it was/who they were ... and appreciate it tremendously!

With that being said, Dear Token Blog reader, below are videos that ... made me laugh out loud
"LOL!" IS SO GROSS!
MAYBE THEY WILL MAKE U LOL 2?!

1) the existence of the British television show called Brass Eye (thanks Josh for telling me about it!)

2) and this Brass Eye episode on pedophilia specifically...

It is one of the funniest scripted things I have seen in literally years!

(besides You Can't Do That on Television, Weekend at Bernies i, Scary Movie iii and early episodes of MadTV) I am not kidding. I AM SO LOWBROW WOOPSIES

3)this video of Charlie the Parakeet

PS WHAT THE HELL IS CHOPSING?!?! (1:10)

4) I LOL at pretty much everything on NoWayGirl.com (my new favorite site)

PPS IN OTHER NEWS, if you want to be productive, drink lots of coffee and have clear goals.

I mean it!

PPPS eww imagine if an old man just said the word "Lol" in a monotone voice instead of laughing?

PPPPS I WISH I "ROFL'ED" EVERYDAY BUT THAT WOULD BE CRAZZZY AND HURT MY STOMACH!!!! #firstworldproblems

(thanks Don Stahl for recommending this specific episode of brass eye!!)

2 new additions to my dwarf animal menagerie

2011-04-08T11:07:00.001-05:00

I bought 2 aquatic dwarf frogs yesterday. :(

One has something called "balloon disease" aka dropsy (as seen below) in this photo

I BOUGHT HIM SO I COULD SAVE HIM FROM EXPLODING!

The other frog is normal and non bloated and non albino. He is just a friend for my dropsyboy

I bought them to save dropby but also because once I had another aquatic frog who I named Mr Sweeney who used to make noise like an old modem at night if I talked to him! I am serious!

ANYWAY, about the albino dropsy frog, (who is seen waving below)

I am planning on reviving him of his dropsy.

#humblebrag ?

I have read a bunch of articles on how to cure him.

In case you want to read them (NOT!),

here they are, and here, and here , and here

and here are some other albino animals (thanks Kate)

PS I love this funky watercolor stripe dress from NastyGal

THE END FOR NOW. can u tell i am still sort of braindead? woopsy

Have a Nice Day! :)

2011-04-07T02:11:00.000-05:00

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-kids-drywalled-in-room,0,740840.story

FUN FOR HOURS

2011-04-06T17:44:00.001-05:00

thanks Jay!

These Songs are Very Special

2011-04-06T17:27:00.001-05:00

Elli et Jacno - 'Anne cherchait l'amour' 1979

Ithaca-Times

Beauregard Ajax - Feather in a Bottle - 1968

Jackpots - Jack in the Box

you might like them too! All songs brought to my attention by a special pErSon

ps i feel better!

I Feel Braindead

2011-04-06T10:58:00.001-05:00

I woke up today and feel so braindead. I cannot do ANYTHING today but google "Brain Fog" and "Braindead". This blogpost is not interesting or funny, just an explanation of how I am feeling..

I am pretty sure my feelings of laziness and fogginess are from working on many different things in various directions, but more importantly, from eating lots of bread and unnatural things the past week such as the following: a hamburger with frenchfries and a Diet Coke, a piece of Baskin Robbins icecream cake, a footlong Subway sandwich, various peanutbutter carob cupcakes, a few tacos, various alcoholic beverages and a donut. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? Nothing. I think it is okay to 'fall off track' from time to time. It has been a delicious fall! And I want more bread!

But I don't have time to be lazy! So I need to make a change!

So far, the articles I have read tell me that I should
a) exercise
b) go to a sauna (I guess I can try the one at the YMCA..gross!) - maybe I'll go to Spa Castle?
c) drink 10-12 ounces of carrot juice
d) avoid any processed foods and dairy
e) drink at least 8 glasses of water
f) take B12 supplements
g) drink coffee

So I am going to do this now and see what happens!

The articles I have been reading on braindead feelings are here, here and here

Friday - Unsound Festival NY

2011-04-05T23:09:00.003-05:00

The Unsound Festival New York is this Friday.

With music by Alan Howarth & Emeralds
Harald Grosskopf
Performs Synthesist with ARP, Blondes, Julianna Barwick, Laurel Halo, and Pink Skull

Whut is ARP? elders?

IF I TOLD YOU I KNEW WHO DA HELL ARP WUZ, ID BE LYING BUT I KNOW ENUFF TO KNOW DIS WILL BE A SPECIAL EVENT N U SHULD GO!

Too bad Angelo Kelly won't be performing :/ but im still looking forward to attending..!

Exploded Blood Vessel

2011-04-03T09:13:00.001-05:00

OMG my right eye exploded. A blood vessel popped and filled my eye with blood. Do you want to dance with me? Don't worry, it will be better soon. I hope! I have to wear sunglasses or an eyepatch for the next 10 days! Looks are impermanent so don't depend on them.

Should I go on HotorNot.com with this? :/

Here is an older gentleman friend I made in solidarity over our exploded eyes.
He said using Vitamin C makes it go away faster. Let's hope!

Here is a confusing video I made yesterday.

See you in 10 days : /

My Mind is Littered with Images

2011-04-01T17:30:00.000-05:00

Did you know that I have thousands of images on my computer for "inspiration?"/fleshlight visual assistance?

Here are just a few. Why do I save them? WHO KNOWS!

This is the tip of the iceberg :(

Exorcist Head Spin circa 1967

2011-03-31T23:54:00.000-05:00

Does it look like my head is in the process of spinning around 360 degrees?
Then my work here is done :/ !!!

Things I Want

2011-03-29T09:59:00.001-05:00

This Print by Hannes Bend via Exhibition A

These Terrariums from Assembly

This adorable t-shirt via TheBrendanDonnelly.blogspot.com

LVin It Up

2011-03-24T21:35:00.000-05:00

all via NoWayGirl.com (MY NEW FAVORITE WEBSITE!!!!)

Me Making Fun of a Baby Lionhead Rabbit

2011-03-23T21:09:00.002-05:00

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!

Last week while buying rabbit food at Petland Discounts, I saw this inbred baby rabbit for sale and wanted it soooo much but someone had already put a downpayment on it! Who does that?! What a tease!

However, I had 4 hours before the soon-to-be-rabbit owner got back to Petland Discounts so I decided to spend those precious hours making fun of the little nugget to my heart's content/ before being escorted out!

This video is also starring one of my best friends, Chris Barry of PoopingWithTheDoorOpen (it is a wonderful new blog!) who is the bearded American person holding the little raisin baby. (Chris owns a lionhead rabbit named Martina Van Buren, seen here)

Oh, and I must not forget to credit the cinematographer, Sooyi, a Philipino teenager who worked at Petland who I forced to hold the camera. :/

WHOEVER ENDED UP BUYING THIS RABBIT PROBABLY DOESN'T DESERVE HIM!

HE HAD NO NOSE AND WAS SUCH A BALL OF DUST AND I MISS HIM SO

Rainbow Cupcakes

2011-03-22T02:16:00.002-05:00

Did you know that I have not used my stove since I moved into my new apartment in November? (Snobby Child in Somalia : NOBODY CARES, CARLEN!) My stove is not even plugged in. On the day I moved in, the apartment smelled like gas so the fire department came over and unplugged our stove and I have been too shy or lazy to ask my landlord to plug it back in. True story. I think it is sad and gross even though it started with good intentions and dreams of a diet consisting of only raw fruits and vegetables. Gross. What is even grosser is that I am going to plug it in tomorrow solely to make these rainbow cupcakes! Uh oh! PS I think this girl who made this video below, and her other videos are charming and easy to follow... I'll let you know how it comes out... FIRE!!!!

Twatter

2011-03-21T15:30:00.001-05:00

follow me on twitter if you have it! i love Tyrese!

twitter is sort of stifling but it is good for thoughts that are not worthy of a blogpost

and not appropriate as a facebook update ...

ie more horrible and inappropriate-r than other thoughts

http://twitter.com//carlenaltman

I am DJing at Daddy's this Sunday (tonight)

2011-03-20T11:42:00.001-05:00

...with a special guest :/

Come to Daddy's tonight from 8pm onward (i will be there "DJing" at 10pm onward) if you want to have fun and listen to a discordant array of current rap music mixed with Kevin Ayers and REBECCA BLACK (thanks dan meth) and enjoy 2 for 1 drinks, including soda!

Don Stahl will be barftending and I will be DJing with a special guest... COME THRU OR WHATEVZ

First Film Review of The Color Wheel, by Alex Perry and Carlen Altman

2011-03-19T19:00:00.000-05:00

Here is the first film review Alex and I received for the film we wrote, The Color Wheel! It will be playing in Sarasota Florida in a few weeks.

DID I MENTION IT IS IN BLACK AND WHITE? :/ so ArtSy

My Comedy Set at Rubber Bullets

2011-03-19T18:32:00.001-05:00

I just bit the BULLET and tried to teach myself Final Cut Express so I could upload important things such as trips to the Easter candy section of Rite Aid and comedy sets for you, my lone blog viewers (hi mom) pleasure. This here video is a performance I did this past week at Rubber Bullets in the Lower East Side. Other notable performers included Don Stahl and Nikki Glaser.

Regarding this video, notice the funky font and smooth transition of The End.

So what, I messed up! FAILURE! AHHH! (who cares!)

Nothing is as scary as you think it will be once you start it!

I'm doing another show tonight if you want to come. I might not upload it because my camera is being kwazy and has a weird ball of dust in it.

Fun for Hours

2011-03-17T20:44:00.002-05:00

This is my first attempt at making an animated Gif of flying. It is horrible. Sorry.

I'm Doing ComEdY this Saturday @ GENTRIFY BROOKLYN

2011-03-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

I THINK IT IS GOING TO BE VERY INTERESTING AND FUN

Close Up of Uncle Dirty Primer by Bob Altman

2011-03-17T11:48:00.001-05:00

i had to order this on Ebay...

if I were to ever have a 'comedy album', i too would want it to allude to child molestation

just like daddy : /

IF U CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET? ✞

2011-03-17T01:40:00.003-05:00

I WANT THESE SO MUCH. I IMAGINE THAT IF I JUST HAD THESE SHOES, MY LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE ORGANIZED AND FILLED WITH FUN FUNKY PARTIES AND I'D BE ABLE TO WALK FAST AND NEVER GET SICK OR SAD.

VIA OPENING CEMETARY

ONLY $515.00

✞✞✞✞✞✞

PS TONIGHT'S STANDUP SHOW WAS FUN. I WENT LAST BUT IT WASN'T AS BAD AS I THOUGHT! I AM DOING ANOTHER SHOW SATURDAY. SORRY FOR THE YELLING.

listen to gay beach radio if u want to hear me being heterosexual in a desert

2011-03-16T14:37:00.000-05:00

i am a guest at 3:40 !

click on Listen Live!

Get Well Japan

2011-03-16T10:21:00.001-05:00

Maybe I've been living under a WOK but I just saw House last night and it is seriously one of the most creative movies I have ever seen, on par with Holy Mountain by Jodorowsky!

Here is the trailer

And here is another Japanese gem! I hope these women are ok and are not doing a choreographed exercise below rubble singing Call an Ambulance Please :(

I hope Japan is okay!
;)

Come to Rubber Bullets tonight (Wednesday)

2011-03-16T01:02:00.000-05:00

HEY, YA LIKE COMEDY KID? HERE TAKE A FLYER?
HERE, HELP ME BE SELF-INVOLVED AND UNTALENTED IN PUBLIC!

I digress...
Seriously, I am very nervous/excited about this comedy show tonight. It should be very fun!
IF U LIKE 2 LAF N SHIT DEN CUM

Special Site Alert: Mamiwata Tumblr

2011-03-15T00:17:00.001-05:00

This special girl's blog is really wonderful so fart.

(thanks Max Wowch)

A True Story: Aborted Wontons

2011-03-10T01:21:00.000-05:00

I RECORDED A STORY FOR BROADCASTR.COM ABOUT AN AWKWARD SITUATION I HAD AT OBERLIN.
LISTEN HERE : (

My Favorite Power Couple: Boris Vallejo and Julie Bell

2011-03-08T20:16:00.003-05:00

Below are some insanely special paintings by one of my favorite artists, Boris Vallejo.

and here is an amazing painting by his wife / collaborator Julie Bell

And below is a piece that Boris and Julie worked on together <3

(PONIES LYING ON DORITOS!)

Boris and Julie are so inspiring and the epitome of a POWER COUPLE.
Julie Bell has a very special exercise blog which incorporates her illustration work into it!

all images via http://www.imaginistix.com/

Looking for Ghosts

2011-03-07T17:36:00.002-05:00

Do you believe in ghosts?

Sometimes I do... Most of the time I don't!

It sort of makes no sense when you try to think about the existence of ghosts rationally.

Why are they always loitering around stupid places? Do ghosts sleep? Do ghosts eat? GHOSTS NEED TO GET A LIFE. Anyway the point of this blogpost is that a bunch of non-crazy people told me that a bar near my house called Palace Bar is HAUNTED!!!

READ THIS BLOGPOST AND DECIDE WHAT YOU THINK! OK WHAT DO YOU THINK? NOT READY TO DECIDE? FINE!


Here is the entrance of Palace Bar - perfectly normal except for a malnourished siberian albino on the left

OK, when you enter Palace Bar, there is a front room with a bar and televisions, like any typical normal bar... BUT BEHIND THIS ROOM, THERE IS A DOOR WHICH LEADS TO A "BANQUET HALL"

(The people who told me this bar was haunted said that the ghost lurks around the women's bathroom and the banquet hall! Which are next to each other!)

ie I AM ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A PERV-Y PARTY GHOST?

WHAT WOULD HE DRINK?

O'GHOULS OF COURSE

sorry : /

SO, I pretended to be a normal person and asked the bartender if he ever let people rent out the banquet hall back room for parties and he says "yes but it is under construction" . I asked if "I could look at it anyway" and he obliged so I went back there and SECRETLY TOOK THESE PICS


No ghosts in the women's bathroom.. UNLESS THERE ARE TOILET GHOSTS!?!

BUT WAIT, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?!

AHHHH! WHAT IS THIS? AN INDIAN WOMAN?

AHHH! WHAT IS THIS? A BLIND PATRIOTIC GHOST?!sorry not even funny :/

BUT SERIOUSLY , I wandered forward into the Banquet Hall and captured these photos below...

Call me CRAZY but aren't these SPOOKY GHOST ORBS?

THIS IS CHAI RES... ZOOM IN TO SEE DETAILS ...

This is definitely scary! I googled GHOST ORBS and these are definitely them!

But according to THIS GHOST HATER WEBSITE, orbs are just "balls of dust", which appear when you take a photo in a dusty room with a flash camera. I agree with this ghost hater writer that it would be super insulting to live a full life, only to die and end up a blob of light captured by a drunk girl in the back of a weird bar... Shouldn't the afterlife be a lot more fun than that?

This photo above, taken from 'ghostorbs.com' is very adamant that ghosts do in fact present themselves as orbs/ balls of light. But if this is the case, doesn't this ghost orb lurking in window look like a LOSER who is lurking outsde, trying to get inside to crash a CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY? LOSER GHOST ALERT.

Anyway, WHO KNOWS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

P.S. This was one of my favorite books 'growing up'. Do you remember it?

I was most scared of THIS ILLUSTRATION!

Cliched Blogpost with No Point but Visual Stimulation

2011-03-07T15:20:00.000-05:00

: /

emily

patterns

this hot and sour soup looks like some sort of beginning of a world / sperm/ petri dish dream

Off The Charts

2011-03-01T13:28:00.002-05:00

This PBS documentary on Song Poems is so so special, creepy and charming.

You can watch the WHOLE THING on Youtube!

Jimmy Carter says Yes!!! (inside joke once you watch below!)

thanks Josh dC

DOES THIS SERVICE STILL EXIST? Yes it does!

I decided to write the worst song poem I could think of, in 5 minutes or less.

Here it goes :/

Mike the headless chicken is a dancer

Looking fly, with a loose tied scarf

Where did that head go you ask?

Back to Old Na-vy..

Look at me, I cry at night

Rambling, Gambling it all away

9-12 was an outside job

Back to Old Na-vy...

If You See Something, Say Something

But Only if its war-ran-ted

If You Do Something, Say Something

Let me know when you DJ a Toilet

Dress for the Life You Want to Have

Back to Old Na-vy

Now, let's hear this as a song in a Male Child's Raspy Voice

(It's a Voice option on MakeYourPoemASong.com)

Your TuRn

My Latest Ragu Bullying : /

2011-02-28T19:21:00.006-05:00


CLICK IMAGE TO ZOOM... I LOVE AMERICA ALSO, OBVIOUSLY MY TRUE ANSWER IS THIS

Confusing Perspectives

2011-02-28T03:16:00.001-05:00

Mommy got an iPhone !
This is a big deal ! (nobody cares)
MOMMY HAS AOL AND A MODEM! EVEN I AM AFRAID OF AN IPHONE!

We took these disproportionate photos with her eyephone at the ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET at the new Jackson Diner in Union Square. IF YOU LIKE INDIAN FOOD , YOU SHOULD GO!
Watching a mommy eat 5 rounds of Saag Paneer makes ya say GHEE WIZ (eww not funny)

COZY AFTERBIRTH

2011-02-24T01:59:00.001-05:00

Look, I gave birth to a bag while wearing cozy layers... : /

But Seriously... Click this image from the new Timex collection (of me giving birth to a bag?) IF YOU WANT TO WIN A TIMEX WATCH! AND HAVE A STRONG OPINION ON WHICH OUTFIT LOOKS BETTER ON ME
(click the photo and it will make sense)

PS these photos were shot for Timex by my dream elder vunderkind Ari Cohen of Advanced Style

On a side note: taking "ModeLing" photos in Times Square is sort of stressful;

- imagine how many people are farting in Times Square at once? terrorist alert!

lolol ~@~ (poop emoticon doesn't work unless im on gchat , woopsies cushions!)

BIG BROTHER ENCOURAGES CREED ; DISCOURAGES SPACEHOG

2011-02-21T02:02:00.001-05:00

i just made this video of me talking to my bunny with MY FAVORITE song In the Meantime by Spacehog

and then i get this email ....

HOW DO THEY KNOW?!?!

BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUTUBE/BIG BROVA has a list of songs you CAN USE without any license

INCLUDING CREED : /

SO OF COURSE I CHOSE "HIGHER."

IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?!?!?!

BUT SOMEHOW IT JUST MUTED EVERYTHING!?!?!

OH YOUTUBE, WHY DO U PUNISH ME? I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY TUBE / MY ENTERTAINMENT FLESHLIGHT IF YOU WILL...

THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER MADE

$ELBY REJECT: A Tour of My House

2011-02-21T00:10:00.005-05:00

CLEANING OUT MY GMAIL HAS PROVEN ME TO FIND SOME GEMS OF YESTERYEAR:

OK GUESS WHAT? 4 years ago i used to be obsessed with MTV Cribs and Apartment Therapy and reading The $elby and wondered what would happen if I sent The $elby photos of how messy my mom's house was (WOULD HE PHOTOGRAPH "JUST ANYONE'S HOUSE?")

...SO my friend and I did a mock-photo shoot where we littered garbage everywhere and took photos of me surrounded by garbage and guinea pigs....

HERE ARE 2 OF PHOTOS I AM PRETTY SURE I SENT HIM TO SHOW HOW POLISHED AND BOHEMIAN I AM!

sort of normal and innocuous, right?

BUT HERE IS MY FAVORITE ONE!!!

HOW COULD THIS NOT BE CAMERA READY IN HIS EYES? : /

anywho, I waited patiently and finally the $elby WROTE BACK!

...and then apparently HE EVEN WENT TO A PARTY AND TOLD "THECOBRAFARTS" HOW MESSY MY HOUSE WAS AND HOW HE REJECTED ME!

I WROTE BACK TO HIM AND HE NEVER WROTE BACK.

hahaha! i love it so much!

AND THEN HE NEVER WROTE BACK...

GETTING MADE FUN OF BY THE $ELBY INSPIRED ME TO CLEAN UP MY *REAL* HOUSE SO IF I EVER DO INHERIT A TRUSTFUND AND GO OUT TO YOUNG PEOPLE PARTIES AND MEET HIM, I WILL BE CAMERA READY

HERE IS MY 'REAL' HOUSE NOW. DO U THINK IT IS FUNKY ENOUGH NOW? : (
I EVEN THREW OUT THE WRINKLED JUICY COUTURE PAPER BAG : /
ARE YOU READING THIS MR SELBY? I LOVE U. HELLO?

THE END

PS...

WHAT IF THE $ELBY IS HOMELESS?!

FACEBOOK AVOCADO CONSPIRACY

2011-02-18T13:18:00.002-05:00

HOW DO THEY KNOW?

Awkward Links Update

2011-02-17T21:28:00.000-05:00

A Rap Song About Insecurity - thanks Alex
My Favorite Poem (ps i hate poems and jazz) - thanks Leti
Jeff Swallow does NOT DESERVE THIS (Worst Messageboard) - thanks Josh
The Language of Rabbits (I am a little boss of a big boss)
Serene Branson Has a Stroke During Grammy's (thanks Derison Burtation <3)
Underwater Wedding Ceremony (sea turtle tries to sabotage wedding!) - thanks Dianne
Urban Outfitters has Clip On Bangs - finally! now i can go from my hedgefund job to that edgy bar in WilLyBuRg with seamless transition! : /
Sleeping Japanese Rabbits with Urine Stained Feet - thanks Dianne and Ryan
Soothing Stephen J. Cannell Logo History - FUN FOR HOURS thanks Dan

PS I LEARNED THAT SOMEBODY IS A BOY RABBIT.

I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY. NO PUN INTENDED

#unfunnybeastiejokesorrybutitstrueandistilldontknowwhattonamehimperhapswristrapist? : /

Press On!!!

2011-02-13T12:47:00.000-05:00